When I first became a parent, there were only three or four recognized parenting styles. Today, with the insights provided by AI, we’ve identified even more.
The first is the Authoritative style, characterized by high expectations and demands, but also warmth, support, and open communication. This approach often results in confident and responsible children, as exemplified by Abraham.
"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."
The Authoritarian style
The Authoritarian style, on the other hand, is marked by high demands but low responsiveness. Parents enforce strict rules and discipline, with little room for feedback. Children raised in this environment, like Saul and Jonathan, may become proficient but often suffer from low self-esteem, poor social skills, anxiety, and aggression.
Next is the Permissive style, where parents are indulgent, have low demands, and high responsiveness. They tend to be lenient, offering few guidelines, and often act more like friends than parents. Children raised under this style, like David and his sons, may struggle with self-discipline, authority, and behavior issues, and often display impulsiveness. The Neglectful or uninvolved parenting style speaks for itself, where parents provide little to no guidance or attention. The Helicopter parenting style is characterized by excessive involvement and micromanagement of the child’s life. Free-range parenting promotes independence and self-reliance, allowing children to learn from their mistakes, which can result in either strong resilience or challenges. Lastly, Attachment parenting emphasizes strong emotional bonds, which can foster trust and emotional regulation, but may also lead to attachment issues.
Undoubtedly, our children are a significant part of the joy and blessing that we experience in our marriages. While some may have differing views, the biblical truth remains that one of the primary reasons God established marriage is for fruitfulness, as stated in Genesis 1:28: “Then God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'” The question of how to raise our children is a major concern and frequent topic of discussion within families. What constitutes good parenting? How can you tell if you’re a good parent?
What steps must you take to become one? Is it solely the father’s responsibility to correct and discipline a child for misbehavior? How can you be sure your child is absorbing the lessons you teach? Should grandparents, aunts, and uncles also play a role in raising our children? These are just a few of the countless questions that parents and prospective parents grapple with daily. Despite the abundance of questions, there often aren’t enough clear answers for every mom and dad on this subject.
When the Bible instructs us to “train up a child in the way he should go,” do we truly grasp this command, or are we simply doing our best with our own strength, all the while wondering if we are truly being good parents?
Essential Roles
Parents have two essential roles: a lifelong role as a parent, and the specific task of parenting, which is the focused period of training, teaching, and guiding our children until they reach a certain age, typically from birth until they leave our homes.
As stated in Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (NKJV), ‘And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. [7] You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. [8] You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. [9] You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Parenting is hard work, and it is the responsibility of the parents to train and teach their children diligently. The effort we put into our children will profoundly impact how they turn out, shaping their entire lives. Proverbs 22:6 advises, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” As parents, one of our greatest responsibilities is to guide and train our children. This involves helping them navigate life’s challenges and daily tasks while gradually teaching them to become independent.
Growing up, I learned that parenting is truly a community effort. Much of my upbringing and discipline came not only from my parents but also from neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, and other nearby adults. The general rule was that if you did something wrong, anyone older who witnessed it would correct you. And if you ran back inside the house crying, you’d often receive even more reprimands for your behavior. There was no hiding from punishment for a misdeed, as the entire community took responsibility for guiding and correcting you, whether or not your parents were present.
Parenting is a unique experience for each child, so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all method. It’s essential to recognize the individual needs of each child, supporting them as they journey through childhood. Start by doing things for them, then gradually ease them into handling responsibilities, like chores, to build their independence and sense of empowerment.
Show them love and pride, and continue to advocate for them. However, it’s equally important to know when to step back. There is a fine line between being supportive and becoming overbearing, which can stifle their growth toward independence. Allowing them to carve out their own path helps them mature and become more self-reliant, ultimately reducing their dependence on you as a parent.
Becoming a better parent begins with remembering that we were once children ourselves. By reflecting on our own childhood experiences—recalling what we found to be unfair or just, what hurt or embarrassed us, what we worried about, and the things we tried to get away with—we can better understand and relate to our own children. Additionally, it is crucial for each parent to set a positive example for their children to follow. What kind of example are you setting? You can’t ask your daughter to avoid wearing revealing clothes if you’re doing the same. If I curse and lie, I should expect my children to do the same, as they learn from what they hear and see from me
Beyond the importance of the task at hand, it is essential for the family to establish an identity that reflects our true values and what we stand for as a unit. This identity should serve as an example for others to follow. In today’s era of artificial intelligence, machines are being programmed to learn from experience, adapt to new inputs, and perform human-like tasks, including aspects of parenting. These technologies could potentially take over parenting duties by introducing alternative and advanced methods through systems like social media rewards, which may conflict with the teachings and commands of God.
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Inspirational quotes
“Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about being present. The greatest gift you can give your children is your time, love, and attention.”
The Bible in Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (NKJV) says, “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. [7] You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. [8] You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. [9] You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
We must ensure that artificial intelligence does not replace the divine mandate and the God-given skills we have been entrusted with to raise our children in the way of the Lord.
Furthermore, Genesis 18:19 states, “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.” It is the responsibility of parents to empower their children. The degree to which we empower them is crucial for their ability to achieve greater accomplishments in life. We must instill in them the confidence and capability to face challenges, guiding them through a gradual process of taking on age-appropriate tasks and mastering them.
Enabling leads to dependence on the parents and can have serious consequences. Instead, encourage, acknowledge, and validate their hard work, which helps them build self-belief and trust in themselves. From experience, this approach signals love, commitment, and unwavering support, reassuring them that you are there to help them succeed. Make sure they are grounded in God’s word, which serves as a guide, the way, and the truth about the realities of life. We are commanded to follow God’s divine guidance and instructions in raising our children in the knowledge of Him. Despite all the training, instructions, and efforts we put in, it is ultimately by God’s grace that our children can truly learn and follow the ways of the Lord consistently. No one can claim to have the perfect formula for parenting, and experienced parents will tell you that there isn’t a single, foolproof method.
Parenting is a journey of continuous learning and seeking God’s guidance through prayer. One of the most crucial pieces of advice for both aspiring and current parents is to make parenting a top priority. This is vital because not everyone has the privilege of becoming a parent. If we are fortunate enough to be called parents, we must view this responsibility as one of our most significant duties. It’s essential to prioritize spending quality time with our children over taking an extra shift at work. When we plan family activities, such as meals or outings, it’s important to keep our promises; otherwise, our words may lose their meaning. Make time to be together as a family and cherish those moments.
In addition, maintain consistency with prayer and Bible study, and involve your family in projects that everyone can participate in, whether weekly or monthly. Plan regular family meals—lunch or dinner—according to what fits everyone’s schedule, and make it a point to stick to this routine. Meal times are great opportunities to start conversations. Children often have many things on their minds, and without regular, unpressured moments to discuss these matters, we may miss out on understanding their true feelings. I recommend establishing a routine for connecting with your family early on, creating moments that everyone will look forward to.
When it comes to correcting and disciplining a child, parents need to recognize that each child is unique and no two children are exactly alike. A loving parent should understand their child well enough to select the most effective disciplinary approach for them. It’s important for parents to observe and identify the individual differences among their children and tailor their parenting strategies and disciplinary techniques accordingly. After the addition of our identical twins to our family, we realized that we had to customize our approach for each child. Despite trying various methods, we found that what works for one twin does not necessarily work for the other.
When it comes to teaching a child, it’s important to recognize that the human brain is incredibly adept at absorbing information. In fact, the brain is like a sponge, and many of us use less than a third of our memory potential throughout our lives. Therefore, it’s crucial to start instilling godly virtues in our children early on, as they are exceptionally receptive to what we teach them. We shouldn’t assume there’s a specific age at which a child should begin learning. I recently had the privilege of witnessing a baby being born. Even moments after birth, the baby instinctively knew how to latch on and breastfeed without any prior experience or instruction. This natural ability highlights how quickly children can learn and adapt. Consequently, there should be no delay in parenting; the process of teaching and guiding should begin as early as possible.
We need to set high standards and expectations for our children, believing in their ability to achieve whatever they set their minds to, both academically and behaviorally. There should be clear rules for each stage of their development. Just as we caution a child to stay away from flames or sharp objects due to their dangers, we must also educate them about their bodies and the changes they will experience as they grow. It’s important to address the potential challenges of adolescence, such as managing hormonal changes, avoiding sexual promiscuity, and resisting peer pressure related to alcohol, smoking, and drug use. We should have open conversations with our children about steering clear of serious relationships during their teenage years, emphasizing that such relationships often bring more trouble than benefit. Encourage them to focus on what truly matters, like academic achievement and exemplary conduct, rather than seeking popularity. Remind them that just because everyone seems to be doing something doesn’t mean it’s right or acceptable
Ultimately, the most effective strategy for raising healthy and happy children who transition into well-adjusted adults is to guide them in the ways of the Lord using God’s word, the Bible. Be a living example of your faith and beliefs. Teach them about the goodness, faithfulness, and reality of the Lord through His word. The Bible is the best manual for raising a godly child, providing guidance on everything from moral behavior to choosing a life partner, as marriage is defined between a man and a woman. As our children embark on a new school year, let’s commit to being better parents. For those who are already on the right path, continue with your efforts. For those who need to start, don’t hesitate to pick up the manual and begin.
Sincerely,
Leke & Tinu ❤
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